A couple of days ago I made cookies. Jason makes me laugh because he asked me very seriously, "What do people do who can't eat cookies for a snack?" He was referring to my family of course, since we really never had cookies in the house. That inspired my never before published book of Maughan Family Rules.
Now a note before I begin. (So I don't get myself in trouble). Every family is different. I like to tease Jason about some of the "rules" I have had to learn that he was raised with. Honestly, I admire a lot of them. So....Teresa or Mandi....if you ever read this know that I am learning your rules! Jason and I are adapting some for our own family. Now, here for your reading pleasure, the rules I have learned to live by:
Maughan Family Rules
1. Business Etiquette
Homework is a family affair. (Even if its a first cousin once removed, you must turn of the Friday night movie and do all the 18 math problems for them so they can graduate.) Deals must be settled to the penny. Its illegal to turn off your phone or procrastinate answering it. All items must be purchased with a coupon, rebate, or discount. Most importantly, the only way to be fair...is to be 100% equal.
2. Rules for Public Appearances
Never leave the house without an ironed shirt, shaving, and eating a cookie. When speaking in public talks must be memorized. Using slang, especially in reference to people in the scriptures is unauthorized. Boys wear white shirts to church. Women wear hosiery. Long or scraggly hair is distasteful and can get you pruned from the family tree.
3. Social Faux Pas
It is inappropriate to list a women's name before a man's. Daughter-in-laws must open doors for grandfathers, and phone call to Kix 96 must be made on birthdays. Any behavior that could be labeled as "gomer" or "weirdo" is inexcusable. Shirts must be tucked in. Women must always have hair done, and depending on circumstance the term "goat" can be used as a form of appropriate foul language.
4. Household Guidelines
Shower must be squigied daily, boys learn to sit (if they belong to the babysitting crowd), and toilet paper is made to roll towards you. Bathroom fairy cleans toilet and sinks everyday. Toilets toxic if used by babysitting kids, or anyone without Maughan DNA. When company come entire house must be deep cleaned especially behind the refrigerator. Shoes, goats, and other small animals aren't allowed in the house.
5. Dinner Manners
Wives must make dessert everyday, cookies are a food group, anything jello is a salad, and portion size is determined by which genetics you inherited. Men run the grill. Women do the cooking. Going to the bathroom after dinner is excusable only for teenagers trying to get out of doing the dishes (especially if your picture can be found in an entire collection of books). No drinking out of cereal bowls, elbows on the table, or talking with mouth full. Discriminatory language permitted only when two or more people at the table would agree. Birthday candles are blown out twice, and cake must be eaten from the "I am special today" plate. Onions and garlic are forbidden. Drinking directly from the facet appropriate only if not caught.
The sequal to the book, for my posterities sake is "The Corbridge Family Rules." It might explain some of my slow progress at the Maughan family rules.
1. Business Etiquette
Talk quietly but carry a heavy hammer. Early to bed. Exercise before breakfast. Be self employed, self reliant, self motivated, and "self-insured" (See Dinner Manners). Kids learn to pay for what they want...ie.. Bikes, cloths, trips and college. Don't answer the phone unless it rings 10 times, I mean 20. Its ok to unplug the phone if someone you don't want to talk to calls more than three times. If you call someone and you want them to call you back leave a long message with a British accent and claim to be someone else but leave your number. Its ok to end a phone call by ringing the doorbell and claiming you have company, or by holding the phone next to the dog and claiming that he is chasing someone. Always buy lemon aid from children or useless homemade items from nice old men at the farmers market.
2. Rules for public Appearances
Showering happens after working--which means you might not "get ready" until the afternoon. When speaking in public never give a long explanation about why you aren't prepared to give your talk, the process you went through to think about what to say, or tell embarrassing family stories. Limit of 10 "ummmms" per talk. Boys wear cowboy hats. Women wear danskos, hiking boots, or chacos (in case the strap of your backpack breaks). One purse per women. (Eddie Bower wallet on a string, not those fancy leather deals). Clothing shopping is done once a year. If that. Hairspray causes global warming.
3. Social Paux Pas
Never ignore the family dog, use his toys, or assume he can't understand you when you complain that he has bad breath (Did I mention that you can't ignore the family dog?). You will offend the cook if you don't eat everything you are given, especially if it was home grown or took hours to prepare. Passing on dessert by vocally claiming Jamocha ice cream to be against the Word of Wisdom (after all...it's not hot), will place you in dead last on the "favorite child" list. Autumn dinners are eating everything thats on the front porch....except for the dog. Its ok to hand out last years Halloween candy. (it will be the same two kids anyway.) Eying the local fowl with a hunters eye is only allowable if you are a fox (after all, they're 2nd cousins to the family dog).
4. Household Guidelines
Saturday jobs are cleaning the house. Monday through Friday jobs are taking care of the animals, the lawn, the garden, and preparing meals (Unless you play the piano). Dogs allowed in the house. Cats allowed on the deck or the barn. Horses only on the front porch or garage. Company makes themselves at home and must help with dinner. New Years parties end at 9:00 p.m. (If the host hasn't fallen asleep already). You must ask permission to watch tv. No video games. Movies allowed are the VHS editions of "Willie the Sparrow" or "Mrs Aris goes to Paris". (Other poorly made feature films for families allowed). Disagreements solved with boxing gloves and kidney punches. A book a week doesn't make you a geek. Birthday cards must be homemade. Extravagant gifts given spontaneously. Birthdays are sometimes forgotten.
5. Dinner Manners
No soda. No chips. No boxed, processed or packaged food. Bonus points are given if food is ethnic or cultural. Everyone helps with cooking. (Unless they have to practice the piano.) Mom's the cook except when spaghetti, breakfast, gravy, or chili need to be made, and then Dad is the pro. If you didn't help cook you are supposed to help clean up and do the dishes. (If you give back massages to the chef you can get out of it.) Every meal must have onions, garlic, and peppers.
So those are the Maughan and Corbridge family rules. I wonder what my children are going to say after our two families rules are mutated and combine. :)
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